She can’t take it any more
Dear Acaricia May,
I’m lost. For the past five years, I’ve completely devoted myself to a man who has suddenly developed a split personality. At first, I thought it was just a mood, a low phase he was going through, so decided to keep mum and pretend as if things were hunky dory. But it’s getting me down. At times, I feel I’m just imaging the worst because it’s not as if he’s abusive or mean. But his indifference is killing me. Even if he knows I’m in physical pain (migraine, severe backache etc), all he does is tell me I’m overreacting. Also, I feel that I’ve turned into a stereotypical suspicious mate. Plus not being able to share my true thoughts with him has left me feeling terribly lonely. I don’t want to leave cos I still really care about him but how long much longer can I survive in this one-sided situation? It feels like I have an emotional axe hanging over my head. Please help
Margaret in Vasco
You said you don’t want to leave. But it seems you don’t know if you can stay either. No matter what, it’s clear the status quo is untenable. Happiness is important, Margaret, and you deserve to have it. Waste no time in bringing all your feelings about the situation into the open. Not in an accusatory, nagging or negative way. Find the right moment to bring this up, preferably at a ‘high’ moment – or at least what can reasonably pass for a high moment in this decidedly low phase! By that I mean don’t bring this up when either you or he is feeling particularly angry or sad. Wait for a light moment, maybe after a laugh, a smile or during a nice meal together. Without communicating your hurt feelings, you have little hope of mending them. If you do communicate them and nothing changes, there are other options, such as professional counselling for you, him or both of you. Margaret, have you thought about a change of scenery? A trip together or a shared afternoon at the beach or an evening of nice food and music? Of course if all else fails, there is always the door – however harsh that option may seem. But if you have to, you can always walk through it. Give talking a chance first.
Good luck dear. I’ll be rooting for you!
Dear Acaricia May,
I was recently cleaning my 15-year-old son’s bedroom and decided to lift up his mattress and was very disturbed to find
pornographic pictures hidden beneath it. Very explicit pictures. I was really beside myself, and still am. This happened a few days ago and I still haven’t said anything to him, or even told my husband. What do you think I should do? He’s normally a very nice boy, serious in his studies and he never gets into trouble.
Do you have any ideas what’s happening with hormones inside the body of a 15-year-old boy? He’s curious about sex and is undoubtedly experiencing a great many feelings. This behaviour doesn’t seem to veer too far away from the realm of the normal, although it could be cause for concern, depending on the content of the pictures and how much time he spends viewing them. It’s important that you support your son and give him a real sense of security as he goes out into the world to find his way. It might be a good idea for either you or your husband to talk to him about his feelings and allow the topic of sex to enter the conversation. Aditi, it’s OK for you to be troubled by what you saw under the mattress. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. And if you’re not comfortable with your son viewing these photos, you have a right to talk to him about it. But do so not as an angry authoritarian, but as a loving mother who cares about her child’s well-being. I know you do.
If you have questions about sex, relationships or any other matter relating to the heart, please write to Acaricia May at firstname.lastname@example.org