I am 32 year old lecturer at a city college. I am single, but have had a few relationships. Lately I find I have this huge crush on a female student in my class. My heart pounds every time I look at her and I almost forget my notes. I have thought of transferring my class to a colleague as I know teachers should not have relationships with students, but there is no one to substitute me. I don’t really want to change, as I really look forward to this class and to seeing this lovely girl. I don’t know if she knows of my feelings, but she pays a lot of attention in class. She is major of age. I think I am in seriously in love with her. How do I woo her? Why should I lose out on a good relationship just because of this situation?
Jason P. – Panjim
As her professor, you exercise authority over her. That means you shouldn’t have a romantic relationship with this young lady – as it can lead to harassment or unfair treatment of her or other students. Many universities and colleges worldwide explicitly prohibit any romantic relationship between a student and a faculty member with a supervisory role. A growing number of institutions now also ban any romantic relationship between a student and professor, even if the professor isn’t directly supervising the student. That’s more controversial, as it can be argued that the relationship is consensual and does not involve a power equation. What is your college’s policy? Is there one? Anyway, Jason, I’m sorry to break it to you. If you’re grading her performance in the classroom, you can’t have her in the bedroom.
Dear Acaricia May,
My problem may sound like an old one, but it is really bothering me. When doing the laundry, I found lipstick smudge marks on my husband’s handkerchief. That shade doesn’t look like mine, though I can’t be sure. He doesn’t stay late hours at his office or anything of that sort. I visited his office after the kerchief incident and found the women working there not very attractive. Yet the nagging worry remains. I am now suspicious of him and watch every move to see if I can catch anything. I also check all his clothes for lipstick. I am feeling like an idiot. Should I hire a detective to find if he is cheating on me? He is otherwise the same towards me, no change in our relationship.
Maryann – Vasco
This is an age-old problem and a really tough one. Often when a spouse is having an affair, there are numerous signs: disinterest in family issues, lots of time away, more computer time, increased focus on weight and appearance, less interest in sex. Is it really just the lipstick smudge and nothing else? Or do you intuitively feel there’s something going on? I am a believer in women’s intuition, and there’s nothing wrong with believing in your own intuition. On the other hand, many are the spouses who accuse without basis. You state the only evidence is lipstick that might even be yours. I don’t want to burst your bubble, but that does seem a bit flimsy!
Maryann, you say there’s been no change in your relationship, but sometimes it’s worth asking whether there should be. No change is good only when the status quo is good! Do you have the kind of relationship with your husband where you can talk this out? Can you tell him how you feel? Can you ask him for honesty? When this conversation takes place, observe him closely. Is he looking you in the eye or staring at the floor? See the body language. And if he grows angry or aggressive, that could be a sign that not everything is as it should be. Of course if you confirm he is a lying cheat, be prepared to make some hard choices, starting with whether to stay.