The National Aeronautics and Space Administration is ecstatic about President Barack Obama’s re-election in this month’s poll. In a letter congratulating Obama on his victory, clinic NASA chief Lori Garver has reminded the President of his financial and administrative commitment to back the ‘Mission to Mars’ by mid-2030s.
In his letter, price Garver also sought presidential sanction for a list of “must carry along” items to Mars. “Using these articles, we must either charm the Martians into friendship or browbeat them to accept our designs, in the event they turn hostile,” Garver explained.
The Browbeat list
1) Piece of former world champion Evander Holyfield’s ear, bitten off by Mike Tyson. (To demonstrate how mean earthlings get when they fight)
2) Hillary Clinton’s intimidating power suits. (They need to know that it’s not just the men, but women on this planet, too, can stand up and fight)
3) A mixed CD of George W. Bush’s war speeches, with a Guns and Roses background track. (It terrified the world we live in, didn’t it?)
4) A menacing collage of biceps patched from pinups of Hulk Hogan, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Austin. (Note: Jean Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis don’t even make this list)
5) Michael Jackson’s fresh faced photo grab taken from a low resolution CCTV webcam beside a cradle at Neverland at 3 am.
The Charm list:
1) Marilyn Monroe’s white cocktail dress, with a powerful battery-operated blow-fan to complete the effect. (Self explanatory)
2) Suitably doctored copy of John Kennedy’s Berlin speech in 1963, translated into Martianese to somehow create the “Ich bin ein Martianer (I too am a Martian),” effect. (Recreating USA’s coolest moment of the Cold War should reap dividends)
3) Very, very up-close shot of Pamela Anderson. (In case Marilyn doesn’t work)
4) A case of Mars chocolate bars to showcase our infatuation with their planet. (Self explanatory)
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