There’s a reason pop-psychology books ascribe separate planets to men and women (Remember the book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus?). It’s because God or natural selection or the cosmos or whatever you happen to believe is responsible for the universe, has wired us differently. So if the goal is for one gender to get the other in the sack, the preferred method of seduction must be tailored to the circumstances. Yes, you might say the premise itself is flawed, considering the heavy disparity of the goal itself: What female needs the advice of a sex column to get a male into bed? But for the sake of argument, let’s suspend disbelief for a moment and assume both genders could use a helping hand (no pun intended) to get what they want: A jolly romp in the hay.

So if you’re a man after a woman, here are 5 tips that might just help your cause:

1. Start sex 48 hours in advance. Compliment. Cuddle. Clown. Whisper. Kiss. Hold hands. Take a walk. Make her laugh. Let warm feelings develop into steamy ones.
2. Be a man, not a dog. Dogs hump. Men seduce.
3. Slow it down. If you’re a slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am-kind-a-guy, you’re also one who’s not apt to see much action.
4. Lose the paunch. Some people say only men care about how women look, and women don’t really care about such things. Those people are wrong.
5. Surprise her. Do the unexpected, before, during and after. Variety is the spice of life, and monotony is the scourge of monogamy.

 And now here are five tips for women in the market for a little whoopee.

1. Get naked.
2. Get naked, except for high heels.
3. Tease. Kiss and hug and pet but don’t let it go any further, until he’s driven mad.
4. Converse and engage. So men don’t care about stimulating conversation and intelligence? That’s so 20^th century.

Ask him for a massage. He will oblige, and hopefully one thing will lead to another.