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L’Affaire de Derriere

Dear Acaricia May, nurse

I take great pride in running an immaculate household. My children are well behaved and neat, my husband is very loving and considerate, and my domestic help is very capable and honest. Actually it is in connection with the latter two that I have been compelled to write to you. At the dinner table last night, my husband was relaxing in his chair as the maid passed by, clearing the dishes. I don’t know if he moved his elbow a wee bit outward or whether there was genuinely inadequate space to pass, but I distinctly saw a grazing contact between his right elbow and the maid’s derriere. My heart sank a bit and I have since been wondering if there is more to this than the eye can see. How do I get to know whether he is being unfaithful to me, and that too right under my very nose? And that girl, what is she up to!? She is actually very capable, cooks better than me, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She is also very attractive and only 21, but now I wish she was 64. What do I do now?

Martha Fernandes, Panjim

Dear Martha,

As you yourself pointed out, this could be nothing at all. But just in case, here’s a few things you could do to ease your worries. Step up the action in your bedroom. Give hubbie such a wild time that consorting with any other will not appeal to him at all. Exhaust him, but not so much that he cannot go to work. In other words, make sure all the juice is taken out of him in your presence, not that of another! This will give you both the added benefit of a good workout.

Now there are other options out there which Acaricia May will not recommend. I could tell you, for instance, to command the maid to dress in a sack cloth. Or to monitor all movements to ensure she and your husband are never alone. You see, dear Martha, don’t turn Ms. Derriere into some kind of  forbidden fruit – because we all know that this is the fruit that tastes the best. Instead, try being a little hotter yourself, and work on building trust. Ever consider what hubbie thinks of you and that handsome plucker who comes to tend the coconut trees and help you in the backyard? See? If doubts fly, it’s all cloudy weather.

Now some readers may find what I’m about to say a little heartless, especially since one must assume your maid really needs the work. But if all fails, and you see advanced elbow play (or worse), you may have to lay her off, shed some tears and get some new help. This time, yes, raise the age bar. And while you’re at it, let Mr. Feel-Her-Butt know he’s far, far from blameless – and give him a piece of your mind. There can only be one tigress on the hill.


Acaricia May


Dear Acaricia May,

I care for my wife a lot. It is a steady kind of affection, which revolves around her and our kids. She often whispers ‘I love you’ in my ears and then waits for me to reply. I usually say ‘Same here’. Then she gets mad, she says why can’t you say I love you too? But I don’t feel like saying I Love You. It is such a boring and meaningless line. Like a line from a silly movie. It doesn’t mean I resent her. I like her, I care for her, I respect her, I have shown it in my actions all our 8 married years, and I have never been unfaithful to her. I know I will feel like an idiot if I mouth that stupid line ?I Love You. What is Love? For that matter I don’t ‘love’ anything. I don’t like the word ‘love’. It is a useless empty word used by foolish people. How do I get around this?

Sunil – Margao


Dear Sunil,

Some men find it difficult to say those Three Magical Words because of their male instinct not to appear vulnerable and show a dependency on their female partner. There are also a lot of men who say “I love you, honey” to their wives at the drop of a hat. You have the advantage that you don’t overuse the phrase (well, in your case no use at all!) so when you do actually utter the words, they will have great power. You will know when the right moment comes to open your mouth and say “I Love You.” And perhaps then she will fall into your arms weeping, moved by the fact that you finally said this to her, the most lovely gift of all.

By the way, what makes you say you don’t love anyone or anything? Some folks have had a cold upbringing without much tenderness expressed, and spend their life uncomfortable with phrases like I Love You. But you said a mouthful in your letter, Sunil. The word “love” doesn’t have to be spoken to make it real. Other things – care, respect, devotion, shared time and experiences – also amount to love.

 She is saying I love You in a very simple unconditional way, and you are lucky to have a life partner who not only says these words to you, but loves you enough to want you to say them back. Cherish that, Sunil! You are a loved man! So say what you feel to her. Say “I like you’, ‘I care for you’, ‘I want you’, whatever you genuinely feel. She will feel loved and assured, and will look forward to those rare moments when you actually utter that magical super-charged mantra.

 If you have any questions about sex, love or relationships, write them in to Acaricia May at